I like to think I’m funny.

The House Is Finally, Completely, Totally Clean

You finally did it. You cleaned the whole house. Every laundry basket is empty. Every countertop, decluttered. Every nook and every cranny—swept, Swiffered, and scented. You don’t even have a junk drawer anymore.
Read More at McSweeney’s

Comedy is Tragedy Plus Time And Other Equations

Comedy is tragedy plus time. Drama is tragedy plus conventionally attractive people. Romance is conventionally attractive people plus other conventionally attractive people who dislike each other at first.
Read More at Two Fifty One

The Arc of the Moral Universe Sure Is Following A Weird Trajectory

The arc of the moral universe is long. And winding. Sometimes it zigzags. Sometimes it goes in a circle. Sometimes it misses its exit and has to make a U-turn. Sometimes it gets confused listening to Google Maps and ends up driving the wrong way down a one-way street.
Read More at McSweeney’s

It Would Be A Shame If Something Happened to Your Beautiful Family. Do You Still Want to Unsubscribe?

We see you have selected “unsubscribe” to opt out of our bi-hourly email newsletter. We’re sorry to see you go. We’ll miss updating you every half hour on the half hour with product updates we selected for you personally based on intimate knowledge of your internet browsing data.
Read More at Slackjaw

Help! I’m Trapped in the L.L. Bean Holiday Catalogue

My life is a waking pine-scented nightmare. My days, a parade of yuletide horrors. And if you’re finding this letter, I need your help. For months now, I’ve been trapped in the L.L. Bean holiday catalogue. Like an Irish lambswool scarf wrapped too tight around the neck, its coziness threatens to strangle me at every turn.
Read More at The Belladonna

11 Perfectly Non-Haunted Zillow Listings with Nothing to Hide

Magnificent Queen Anne cottage, with room to grow! This spacious five-bed property includes a bonus turret room — all you need is a contractor willing to reopen the sealed staircase. Current homeowners caution that children under the age of 12 should not be allowed to enter this room during a blood moon.
Read More At The Belladonna

Introducing Amazon Prime Precognition

Here at Amazon, we’re committed to becoming an essential—nay, inescapable—part of our Prime members’ lives. So today, we’re proud to announce a bold new plan to take all the guesswork, and pesky free will, out of shopping.
Read More At Weekly Humorist

On This Diet, You Can Eat Anything (As Long as It's Incredibly Time-Consuming)

Paleo and keto. Whole30 and The Atkins Diet. Veganism and pastafarianism. Do you ever look around at today's fad diets, and think to yourself: man, those are just too easy to follow?
Read More at Points In Case